To Just One More Time Remember Me

One more fall, last night on the pavement

I don’t know how much more I can take this

My body aches, and it feels so final

That I’m breaking in this now, all alone

 

Hips, knees, wrists, and I’m counting

All this pain is real, it’s daunting

And I feel so fucking far away

From what lit me up every single day

 

It’s not just the setbacks and the pause

When I’m hurt, I analyze the cause

“Am I rushing? What’s the lesson?”

Show me how to fix this, how to end it

 

Because I don’t believe that this just happens

I see my life through this different lens

And I think through each break and tear,

I come a little closer to my fear

 

“What if I don’t get to keep

What I love and what I speak?

What if things change overnight

And I lose sight of my light?”

 

And I find myself in this cycle

Spinning faster, harder, wilder

Until I sit back down in pain

From exhaustion. There is no gain

 

And it feels so fucking rigid

To sit back when I want to finish this

My mat stays by the door, my pen gone

I pray I come back to normal by next dawn

 

But I don’t, and it still hurts to move

And all the happy thoughts seem so doomed

I used to count my blessings every night

Now I try to push the will with all my might

 

Because the truth is, I have lost will

To listen to my pain when I am still

And maybe I am petty and this sounds needy,

But I’m done with pain, and now I’m pleading:

 

Let me learn this, what I can

But the pain, I cannot stand

Let me live another day as free

To just one more time remember me.

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