The Seed of My Heart

I wrote the following note on May 18, 2022, at the very start of my therapist journey. As I look back on it now, almost three years later, my heart is full knowing that I followed its quiet, little nudget that hot summer day. I hope this serves and helps someone who needs the message, much like I did.

The night that I planted the seed for a new chapter in my life started in my backyard, on a hot summer day in 2021. Earlier that year, my dad suddenly passed away from a heart attack, leaving my family and I absolutely untethered from the world. It felt like someone had pulled the ground from beneath my feet, letting me just float in the sorrow of his absence.

As often happens with grief, his death forced me to take a long, hard look at myself in the mirror. Was I living? Or just surviving? I knew the answer well before I even finished asking the questions. Up until his death, I had always played life safe: same friendships, same small town, same comfortable job. I felt like I had a little bit of a spontaneous streak, but it always lived in the recesses of my mind, and my goals and dreams never quite saw the light of day.

Truly, I loved helping people. I had been teaching yoga and meditation for a number of years, but never knew how to take the next step. I always dreamed of moving to the West Coast and opening my own practice space where I could help people seek out their own inner wisdom. There are so many resources in the world that can help us prioritize our mental and emotional wellbeing; I wanted to make that accessible for others. Likewise, moving to the other side of the country meant that I could take advantage of more opportunities, meet like-minded people, and enjoy the sunshine and the energy that I’ve come to cherish about California.

That summer night in my backyard, I thought about this dream. I visualized it until I felt like I could reach out and touch it; and in that moment, a thought landed in my mind’s eye, like a feather: what if I could go back to school to become a therapist?

My ego and my fear jumped in immediately to protest, reminding me of how expensive school is and how big this dream is – no way could I make it happen! But the heart wants what it wants, and I spent the rest of that night in my backyard, leaning ever so fearfully into this desire. I visualized myself in school, merging what I knew in the spiritual teachings of yoga and meditation with the clinical and scientific theory of therapy. I visualized my clients and the communities that I could serve, bringing accessible and affordable therapy to marginalized and underserving families. I visualized living in California and forging new connections and bonds that would nurture me for a lifetime over. More importantly, I visualized myself – and I saw me smiling from ear to ear, truly happy for the first time in a long time. I didn’t just see this potential future; I could feel it in my bones, and I knew in that moment, that this is what it means to follow your heart.

The seed was planted, and later that week, I applied for a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. While there was a tinge of nervousness during my application and interview process, I often stood surprised at my own confidence. Here I was, applying alongside doctors and practicing therapists, having absolutely no background experience or knowledge in the matter; but I knew, in my heart of hearts, that this was my path. I came as a student, willing and eager to learn and serve this world. And no matter how much fear might have crept in, forcing me to hesitate, question, and self-sabotage, I stood strong, and I listened to my heart. This fear, too, shall pass.

I was accepted into the program on March 4, 2022, and I am scheduled to begin my classes in the Fall at the Los Angeles campus. When my admissions counselor gave me the good news, I almost cried into the phone. It’s a surreal experience to listen to your heart and follow it. That may sound like it ought to be an easy thing to do, but so often, it’s not. So often, we keep ourselves from the edge of the proverbial cliff, because we’re terrified that we’ll fall. But what if we fly?

I don’t know every step of my journey from here forward; but I do know that I have what it takes to truly embody it. I’ve made space for my emotionality, especially my fear, and I no longer allow my fear to control my decisions. Am I terrified to leave my job and my hometown, move across the country, and begin from scratch? Absolutely. But I am not terrified enough to stay comfortable and regret trying.

Life is a constant practice of pushing the envelope just a little further; and when we step one foot into uncharted territory, a world of new experiences opens up for us. This is how we grow. This is how we learn to believe that we are enough for our epic journey. When my dad passed away, I thought my world would become a dark, isolated place; but his death ironically gave me new life. It forced me to examine if I was truly living, and when I gathered enough courage to admit that I wasn’t, I took the leap of faith that will change everything.

If you’re looking for a sign, this is it.

You’re ready. You’re enough. You got this.

Go.